I am running for mayor, for the third and final time.

  • I want to raise property values, and I know that a lot of people don’t want to move here because it gets too cold. That’s depressing home values. So, to get around this, I intend to cancel winter. I’ll do so by speeding up the pace at which global warming is occurring. To be specific, I am going to buy a very large coal-burning furnace. Like, tremendously large. We’ll probably have to custom-order one to get the size I’m thinking of, if we’re being honest. This thing will be fucking huge. It’ll be so big that we’ll have to put it in a town park, now that I think of it. But we’ll just have it running day-and-night until there’s enough CO2 in the atmosphere that winter doesn’t happen anymore. Problem solved.
  • I’m going to ban mask-wearing outdoors. I’m also going to mandate mask wearing indoors. Any violations of these policies will be felonies with a mandatory sentence of five years hard-labor (this way we can use cheap, imprisoned labor to shovel coal into the really big furnace). For areas where it’s not clear if it’s indoors or out, like big atriums or cafes or underneath sizeable awnings, I’ll have a judge on-site to decide these things on a case-by-case basis. We’ll also need more judges for this. To get ahead of this shortage, I’m also going to use my powers as mayor to create a new “for-judges-only” type of law school. We can enroll people in it so we can then hire them to hang around the various patios and atriums in the city.
  • I’m going to set up after-school programs that teach kids how to play street craps, three card monte, and bet on horseraces.
  • As mayor, I’m going to give myself a raise. A pretty big one, honestly. Don’t get mad at me for it when I do it because I am telling you I plan to do this in advance.
  • Our cops are too slow. They’re literally unable to do anything if we have, say, a group of drag racers drift into the city and start driving around really fast. We need to be prepared for this to happen; it’s only a matter of time before it does, if we’re being honest. If elected, I will formally deputize the first group of underground drag racers to show up in the city. They’ll then be in charge of anti-drag racing activity.

Pastor, Former Award-winning Psychoanalyst, Founding Member of Slayer. Indicted three times; acquitted three times. Go Blue!

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Pastor, Former Award-winning Psychoanalyst, Founding Member of Slayer. Indicted three times; acquitted three times. Go Blue!

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