I am running for mayor, for the third and final time.
Yes, it’s true. I, Ol’ T-Bone, am running for mayor of Ann Arbor. I‘m going to try to get on the ballot this November. And this time I’ve learned from my failed runs for the mayor of Tampa. So, to start out this announcement, I am going to get ahead of some pernicious rumors that have been spread about me.
Let’s start with the ones about my divorce. You’ve probably heard my ex-wife’s side of the story on this one; a lot of it is true. Yes, we did break up after getting into an argument at a friend’s dinner party. And I can confirm that argument was about whether or not Paul Blart was a real person. And she is right: after the argument got heated, I did take off my shirt. I did also start crying while in the fetal position after that. But my ex-wife has left out a multitude of crucial details that show I am not the weird one here.
First, the argument wasn’t about “Paul Blart”, the character — it was about the man who plays him, Kevin James. I couldn’t remember his name so I kept calling him Paul Blart, sure, so maybe some of this is on me. But I do not think the fictional character Paul Blart is a real person. And, for the record, it does appear that I am right about my broader point: there are scores of people online who agree with me that this so called-‘Kevin James’ is a CGI-generated character.
Secondly, I did not storm out of the party without my shirt after I started crying. I did leave, yes. But I calmly collected my shirt off the ground before doing so.
Lastly, I want to rebut the allegations that I was drunk during this incident. I was stone-cold sober — period. No alcohol was involved.
The next thing I need to discuss is the allegation that the mayor of Ann Arbor isn’t up for re-election this November. Now, I hear you: this is a valid concern. And heck, this rumor might even be true. I can’t say for certain myself. But I’m prepared in the event it is true. If the Mayor is not up for re-election, I’ll be printing my own ballots off and handing them out door to door, then stopping by a week later at all the houses I visited to pick them up. Easy solution, if you ask me.
So all of the bad shit and issues is now out of the way. This means I get to get to the good stuff and tell you what I believe. Here’s my new and improved platform, on which I shall run:
- I want to raise property values, and I know that a lot of people don’t want to move here because it gets too cold. That’s depressing home values. So, to get around this, I intend to cancel winter. I’ll do so by speeding up the pace at which global warming is occurring. To be specific, I am going to buy a very large coal-burning furnace. Like, tremendously large. We’ll probably have to custom-order one to get the size I’m thinking of, if we’re being honest. This thing will be fucking huge. It’ll be so big that we’ll have to put it in a town park, now that I think of it. But we’ll just have it running day-and-night until there’s enough CO2 in the atmosphere that winter doesn’t happen anymore. Problem solved.
- I’m going to ban mask-wearing outdoors. I’m also going to mandate mask wearing indoors. Any violations of these policies will be felonies with a mandatory sentence of five years hard-labor (this way we can use cheap, imprisoned labor to shovel coal into the really big furnace). For areas where it’s not clear if it’s indoors or out, like big atriums or cafes or underneath sizeable awnings, I’ll have a judge on-site to decide these things on a case-by-case basis. We’ll also need more judges for this. To get ahead of this shortage, I’m also going to use my powers as mayor to create a new “for-judges-only” type of law school. We can enroll people in it so we can then hire them to hang around the various patios and atriums in the city.
- I’m going to set up after-school programs that teach kids how to play street craps, three card monte, and bet on horseraces.
- As mayor, I’m going to give myself a raise. A pretty big one, honestly. Don’t get mad at me for it when I do it because I am telling you I plan to do this in advance.
- Our cops are too slow. They’re literally unable to do anything if we have, say, a group of drag racers drift into the city and start driving around really fast. We need to be prepared for this to happen; it’s only a matter of time before it does, if we’re being honest. If elected, I will formally deputize the first group of underground drag racers to show up in the city. They’ll then be in charge of anti-drag racing activity.
So this is my pitch. I think I’ll be a great mayor. Please vote for me this November, either via the voting booth or one of the ballots I’ve made.