The Saga of Alan Tugman

  • Alan is 38. His hair is black and thinning. He has a minor potbelly.
  • He works for his uncle; they run a used car lot. Alan is technically the office manager. Because the lot only has two employees, Alan also does sales when his uncle is hungover.
  • Alan briefly owned a landscaping company. It was an unmitigated disaster.
  • He drives a 98 Toyota Camry.
  • At work, Alan spends the first half of most days browsing ESPN. He believes that this is time spent is essentially an investment; he thinks it will help him win his fantasy league this year.
  • For the past 3 years, Alan has come in last place in his fantasy league.
  • This year, Alan believes he has worked out a system that will enable him to win the league. It involves an Excel spreadsheet he has made.
  • For the past two years Alan has also had systems that were meant to help him win the league. Both involved Excel spreadsheets.
  • After lunch, Alan’s uncle sends him out to work the lot. He normally prefers the air-conditioned trailer, but is ok with working outside in spring and fall.
  • I drive by the lot every day on my way to work; as far as I can tell, they have not sold a car in the past three months.
  • Alan spends his weekends with “his boys”. There are three of them, and I am not sure where they know each other from.
  • One of the boys is named Corey. He is a high school gym teacher; he doesn’t hang out on the third weekend of each month because he gets to see his daughter those days. He drives a Ford Mustang, is slightly overweight, and prefers domestic beers.
  • Corey’s cousin, Jim, is also one of the boys. He manages a local restaurant; it has an American menu, but it is nominally a Irish Pub. They don’t sell Guinness.
  • The last of the boys is Mike. He gels his hair back into little spikes, and wears a black button-down over jeans most days. He has proscription Oakley sunglasses. He sells life insurance. I saw him at work once, and he was wearing a short sleeve button down with a brown tie. He had normal glasses on. His kids go to private school.
  • The boys enjoy fishing once a month, watching the Philadelphia Eagles play on Sundays, and practicing their basketball shots during the summer.
  • Alan has a basketball hoop in the driveway of his one floor house. Once or twice a week, he tries to get his son to “shoot hoops”. His son usually tries and then stops after a few minutes. After this, the son goes inside to read books. He’s eight.
  • Alan’s wife is named Ann. She teaches social studies to sixth graders at our public school.
  • Ann loves Alan, and tolerates his friends. Alan loves Ann as well, but avoids her friends. They think he’s a dolt.
  • Ann knits most nights, and works as a summer camp director during the summer. She has short hair and wears light colors.
  • Ann is from New Mexico; she doesn’t regret moving, but misses her home state. The home’s wood-paneled livingroom has framed arrowheads and dream catchers on the wall. There’s a framed poster of a mountain range near her childhood home in the kitchen.
  • The sun is setting in the poster. The picture was taken in the shadow of the mountains; the picture shows the lowering sun making the mountains glow.
  • Alan has an ongoing dispute with the local liquor store owner, Mr. Lee. It involves alleged non-payment for a case of beer.
  • Mr. Lee believes Alan accidentally stole 24 cans of Coors light when he was drunk. Alan did.
  • Alan does not recall the incident; he refuses to pay for the beer.
  • In Alan’s defense, he thought he had paid for the beers when he left the store.
  • Mr. Lee smokes outside his store, and often sees Alan going into the pizza place next door.
  • When he sees Alan, Mr. Lee heckles him and demands his money. It has been two years since the alleged incident, but Mr. Lee has a temper, as well as an encyclopedic memory.
  • Alan normally just ducks into the pizza place. He’s told Mr. Lee he isn’t paying enough times.
  • On the weekends, I start my day with a walk to the local deli to get a breakfast sandwich and some coffee. I normally run into Alan, who is on his way to work.
  • This Sunday I ran into Alan and noticed he had a hospital wristband on. I asked what happened and if he was okay. After hearing his story, I realized I needed to record it for posterity.




Pastor, Former Award-winning Psychoanalyst, Founding Member of Slayer. Indicted three times; acquitted three times. Go Blue!

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Pastor, Former Award-winning Psychoanalyst, Founding Member of Slayer. Indicted three times; acquitted three times. Go Blue!

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