AS THE CONDOR DIES

SCENE: A HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE IS DRIVING DOWN A DUSTY TRAIL. THE CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS IN: TWO MEN WITH BANDANAS ARE CHASING IT ON HORSEBACK. THEY EVENTUALLY OVERTAKE IT, AND GET IN FRONT. THEY THEN SLOW DOWN, AND CAUSE THE CARRIAGE TO STOP.

THE MEN DISMOUNT THEIR HORSES AND APPROACH THE CARRIAGE FROM THE FRONT WITH GUNS DRAWN.

BANDIT 1: Hands up! Both of you! Now!

[ The men point their guns at the two men on the front of the carriage. The men slowly raise their hands]

BANDIT 2: Keep ’Em there, boys. Jimmy, Let’s check the back.

[The camera tracks the two men walk to the side of the carriage. As they arrive on the side of the carriage, two bangs ring out; the two men have their heads shot off. The camera zooms out to reveal the carriage driver holding a smoking double barreled shotgun]

CARRIAGE DRIVER: That’s how it is on this bitch of a planet.

[SCENE FADES TO BLACK. THERE’S ANOTHER GUNSHOT: AS IT IS HEARD, THE WORDS “AS THE CONDOR DIES” APPEARS ON THE SCREEN. TITLE THEME “FUNICULI, FUNICULA” PLAYS. OPENING CREDITS BEGIN.]

SCENE: THE CARRIAGE FROM THE FIRST SCENE PULLS UP TO A BUSTLING SALOON/HOTEL. A YOUNG BOY AND HIS MOTHER LEAVE THE CARRIAGE WHICH DRIVES AWAY. THEY ARE OUTSIDE SWINGING DOORS AND A LARGE BAY WINDOW. THE MOTHER IS WEARING A HOOP SKIRT AND THE BOY IS DRESSLED LIKE A SAILOR; HE IS HOLDING A GIANT LOLLYPOP. THE CAMERA PANS OUT TO REVEAL A BUSTLING OLD WESTERN TOWN. IT ZOOMS BACK IN TO THE MOTHER AND THE BOY]

MOTHER [WHILE ADJUSTING THE LITTLE BOYS COLLAR]: Little Jimmy — always remember — your daddy passed from consumption. It’s just the two of us in this livestock town now.

[THERE’S A COMMOTION WITHIN THE SALOON — GLASS CAN BE HEARD BREAKING. A CHAIR IS THROWN THROUGH THE SWINGING DOORS; THERE IS HOOTING AND HOLLERING. THE MOTHER LOOKS AWAY FROM JIMMY TOWARDS THE SALOON. THERE ARE A SERIES OF BANGS AND THE GLASS IS SHOT SEVERAL TIMES; THE MOTHER IS SHOT IN THE HEAD. AFTER THIS LITTLE JIMMY DROPS HIS LOLLYPOP AND STARES AT HIS DECEASED MOTHER.]

LITTLE JIMMY: That’s how it is on this bitch of a planet.

[SCENE FADES TO BLACK. THERE’S ANOTHER GUNSHOT: AS IT IS HEARD, THE WORDS “AS THE CONDOR DIES” APPEARS ON THE SCREEN. TITLE THEME “FUNICULI, FUNICULA” PLAYS. OPENING CREDITS PLAY AGAIN.]

SCENE: LITTLE JIMMY IS IN A CAVE SITTING NEXT TO A FIRE; HE IS THE SAME AGE AS THE PRIOR SCENE BUT HAS A TREMENDOUSLY LONG BEARD. HE IS WEARING BEAT UP CLOTHES, NO SHOES, AND A TATTERED COWBOY HAT. HE LEAVES THE CAVE AND CROUCHES; SLOWLY, HE ENTERS INTO SOME BUSHES, WHERE HE WAITS WHILE STILL CROUCHED. HE IS WATCHING A TRAIL. AFTER SOME TIME HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A PIECE OF RAW MEAT FROM HIS POCKET. HE LOOKS AT IT IN HIS HANDS, AND THEN THROWS IT ONTO THE TRAIL. THE CAMERA PANS OUT AND SHOWS JIMMY TO BE ALONE IN A VAST EXPANSE OF BRUSH, ROCKS, AND DUST. IT CUTS BACK TO JIMMY WATCHING THE TRAIL; THERE IS A RUSTLING IN THE BUSHES ON THE OTHER SIDE. A WOLF WALKS OUT, AND BEGINS SNIFFING THE MEAT. JIMMY BURSTS OUT OF THE BUSHES AND SNAPS THE WOLF’S NECK IN ONE SWIFT MOVE. LITTLE JIMMY STANDS OVER THE WOLF’S BODY AND LOOKS DOWN]

LITTLE JIMMY: That’s how it is on this bitch of a planet.

[SCENE FADES TO BLACK. A WOLF HOWLS: AS IT IS HEARD, THE WORDS “AS THE CONDOR DIES” APPEARS ON THE SCREEN. TITLE THEME “FUNICULI, FUNICULA” PLAYS. OPENING CREDITS PLAY FOR A THIRD TIME.]

[SCENE: A GRIZZLED OLD SHERIFF WITH A STAR SHAPED BADGE AND COWBOY HAT IS SITTING OUTSIDE A SINGLE ROOM WOODEN BUILDING. HE IS WATCHING THE STREETS OF THE SMALL TOWN FROM SCENE 2. HE TURNS HIS HEAD. A FIGURE ON A HORSE IS RIDING INTO TOWN FROM FAR AWAY. AS THE FIGURE DRAWS CLOSER, IT IS REVEALED TO BE A WOLF WITH A COWBOY HAT ON. AS THE WOLF RIDES INTO TOWN, HE PASSES A GALLOWS. A SMALL BODY WITH A GIGANTIC BEARD IS HANGING FROM IT. THE WOLF IS RIDING DOWN THE MAIN STREET WHEN HE PASSES THE SHERIFF’S BUILDING.]

SHERIFF: Hold it, partner —

[The wolf stops his horse, faces the sheriff and barks.]

SHERIFF: Don’t give me that. I know damn well why you’re back here.

[The wolf barks at the sheriff again]

SHERIFF: It ain’t work last time. Hell, you’re luck you’re getting a warning. You know damn well there’s a price on your head.

[The wolf barks at the sheriff]

SHERIFF: [looks at the ground] I just ain’t want no more bloodshed, you know damn well why —

[The wolf barks at the sheriff. The sheriff takes off his hat, and holds it at his side, and looks up at the wolf. The sheriff silently stares at the wolf for thirty seconds.]

SHERIFF: So that’s what you want?

[The Wolf howls. He stops, and stares at the Sheriff. The camera zooms in on his face; a bang is heard. The Wolf falls backwards. The camera zooms out and the Sheriff is holding a smoking revolver that is pointed at where the wolf was.]

SHERIFF: You never were that quick a draw.

[An arrow pierces the sheriff’s chest; he falls to the ground while screaming. War whoops are heard. Several Comanches riding horses and shooting revolvers upward storm into town. The wolf and the sheriff are on the ground near each other. The wolf begins dragging himself towards the sheriff; as he is finally next to him, he growls, and bites the sheriff’s throat. The wolf rolls over on his back, looks at the sky, and barks. Closed captions appear on the bottom of the screen that read “WOLF: THAT’S HOW IT IS ON THIS BITCH OF A PLANET.”. The wolf’s eyes close, and his mouthy slowly begins to hang open.”

[SCENE FADES TO BLACK. THE WORDS “AS THE CONDOR DIES” APPEAR ON THE SCREEN. TITLE THEME “FUNICULI, FUNICULA” PLAYS. CLOSING CREDITS ROLL.]